Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Drain Monster

It happens to us all, the dreaded Drain Monster appearance. The scientific community refers to these little boogers as "Drainlings." Essentially, they exist to destroy the bliss that is known as "shower time." I hate them, I will proclaim my territory and defend my kingdom. My domain? the bathroom.

Typically, the bathtub looks like a pristine paradise encased in enameled white, or a porcelain dish, waiting to hold the main entrée (you). It sparkles, and shines, it literally glows and emanates light. Every molecule of its being beckons you forth... and then... it happens.
What happens exactly? well.... your little microbial free oasis is invaded by a full fledged Drainling. Its a stubborn, cross eyed little hairball (literally) filled with hate and cantankerous resentment. Its also snaggle-toothed and knobby-kneed. Even though it is only several inches tall in stature, its little being is enough to inspire you with fear and horror. (if you have never experienced these kinds of emotions, just imagine... being a toothpick in the midst of a termite colony)
This little creature entirely changes the mood of your bathroom. Gone is the calm, clean, and fresh feeling. The overall mood become dark, dim, and.... dangerous. It would be like going to Shelob's lair with Gollum (that would be the Giant spider cave in Lord of the rings, and Gollum is the untrustworthy, nasty scrawny creature). The dank, bottomless hole in the bathtub is, in fact, the Drainlings preferred place of residence. They are actually only found here in the wild and that is how they acquired their names.
Perhaps you are currently being plagued by a drain monster. How would you be able to tell? Well, the first sign is when you go to take a shower and you suddenly find yourself in a bath. You look towards the drain, and you know it could only be one thing.... a drainling... There is really one thing to do at this point. Quit being a pansy and establish the bathtub as your rightful domain and rid your kingdom of evil.
of course... you should know a few things before engaging in such a risky endeavor... Such as Drainling body language. Below is a helpful illustration of a Drainling in neutral, as opposed to a defensive Drainling. Defensive Drainlings should be avoided, however~ if you should encounter one there is an extremely effective method of dispatching it (remember, they have an iron grip)
Poor, defensive, well-pedicured woman being held hostage by a Drainling.
You will need a weapon. A simple wire coat-hanger will do. just go and steal the hanger from your boyfriend's freshly dry-cleaned shirt~ he won't mind. especially if you crumple the shirt on the floor. Anyway, discombobulate the hanger, so it is no longer a hanger, straighten it, and make it a hook on one end. now you have a Drainling Skewer. It is 346.7% effective. which is almost always. and a half.
Now, go forth and remove the scourge of the shower that you may experience your exfoliating body scrub in peace.


  1. Girls and their drainlings . . . You know who doesn't encounter them? Me. Though if I don't change my situation one might track me down. Unfortunately not because my girlfriend is sleeping over so much, and definitely not because my hair is growing at such an astonishing rate. Unfortunately it is because my roommate has more hair on his head than any profiting brothel contains. Oh wait. He got a hair cut. Maybe I'm safe. As long as I don't get married . . .

  2. The presentation is good but the climax could use some work.