Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Drain Monster

It happens to us all, the dreaded Drain Monster appearance. The scientific community refers to these little boogers as "Drainlings." Essentially, they exist to destroy the bliss that is known as "shower time." I hate them, I will proclaim my territory and defend my kingdom. My domain? the bathroom.

Typically, the bathtub looks like a pristine paradise encased in enameled white, or a porcelain dish, waiting to hold the main entrée (you). It sparkles, and shines, it literally glows and emanates light. Every molecule of its being beckons you forth... and then... it happens.
What happens exactly? well.... your little microbial free oasis is invaded by a full fledged Drainling. Its a stubborn, cross eyed little hairball (literally) filled with hate and cantankerous resentment. Its also snaggle-toothed and knobby-kneed. Even though it is only several inches tall in stature, its little being is enough to inspire you with fear and horror. (if you have never experienced these kinds of emotions, just imagine... being a toothpick in the midst of a termite colony)
This little creature entirely changes the mood of your bathroom. Gone is the calm, clean, and fresh feeling. The overall mood become dark, dim, and.... dangerous. It would be like going to Shelob's lair with Gollum (that would be the Giant spider cave in Lord of the rings, and Gollum is the untrustworthy, nasty scrawny creature). The dank, bottomless hole in the bathtub is, in fact, the Drainlings preferred place of residence. They are actually only found here in the wild and that is how they acquired their names.
Perhaps you are currently being plagued by a drain monster. How would you be able to tell? Well, the first sign is when you go to take a shower and you suddenly find yourself in a bath. You look towards the drain, and you know it could only be one thing.... a drainling... There is really one thing to do at this point. Quit being a pansy and establish the bathtub as your rightful domain and rid your kingdom of evil.
of course... you should know a few things before engaging in such a risky endeavor... Such as Drainling body language. Below is a helpful illustration of a Drainling in neutral, as opposed to a defensive Drainling. Defensive Drainlings should be avoided, however~ if you should encounter one there is an extremely effective method of dispatching it (remember, they have an iron grip)
Poor, defensive, well-pedicured woman being held hostage by a Drainling.
You will need a weapon. A simple wire coat-hanger will do. just go and steal the hanger from your boyfriend's freshly dry-cleaned shirt~ he won't mind. especially if you crumple the shirt on the floor. Anyway, discombobulate the hanger, so it is no longer a hanger, straighten it, and make it a hook on one end. now you have a Drainling Skewer. It is 346.7% effective. which is almost always. and a half.
Now, go forth and remove the scourge of the shower that you may experience your exfoliating body scrub in peace.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Years is for people who hate themsevles.

Has anyone ever truly analyzed the importance of the supposed holiday called New Years?

of course not, you know why? because it is a joke. Even April Fool's Day makes fun of New Years. New Years should be renamed, "Let's get absolutely smashed with unmeasurable quanities of alcohol and make an impossible list of things we would like to improve, but after the second week of January, will promptly forget about." Essentially, New Years is for people who hate themselves.

excuse me? what was that? was that skepticism? you don't think New Years is for people who hate themselves? ...... what was your reasoning? because you don't hate yourself and you participate in the great scam that is New Years? Your reasoning is flawed, you do hate yourself. you are in denial. I saw you stuffing your face to hide your low feelings of self worth.

Anyways, moving forward~ now that you have been enlightened, I'm going to tell you the story of the typical New Year participants.

{Once upon a time} there was a pathetic excuse of a man. He suffers from numerous social ailments. lack of courage, the short end of the stick concerning "attractive" genes, and no social skills. he probably also has a lame job. I will give you a hint as to what that job is.... "would you like fries with that?" need I say more? ya.... I didn't think so.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, there is also a pathetic excuse of a woman. she has low self-esteem and absolutely abhores her appearance. this is probably due to the fact that she eats her emotions away. Mr. "McDonalds Man" is an enabler in this situation... maybe someday these two will gravitate towards one another and begin an entirely dysfunctional relationship that will spiral madly out of control based on the low self images of the two parties involved. oh she also indulges in massive amounts of cosmetic products to alleviate her lack of self worth, however, due to the fact that she is trying to alter her appearance so durastically, she comes across looking like the rodeo clown's girlfriend, see below picture for confirmation of this fact.
On New Years, there is an odd social reaction. If it was described in scientific terms, it would go something along the lines of this: Pathetic man+ alcohol = brazen imbecile who can now interact with women with a thimble full of confidence and be socially accepted. Of course this is obviously glorified and unrealistically dreamt about by the pathetic man. What have you really accomplished by becoming so drunk that the women on the very bottom of the social food chain now accept you? nothing. its like a man beating up a 12 year old girl, or my father beating me at chess. It's just sad, wrong, and unworthy of mention. Congratulations on being an idiot. Besides, the women were drunk also, and they never really accepted you, they just had severely inhibited sense of judgment.
Furthermore, the pathetic woman takes a much more idealistic approach to New Years that absolutely trashing herself. She makes a list. of things she wants to change. about herself. because she hates herself. I told you New Years is for people who hate themselves. the stereotypical list for New Years usually consists of dieting in some form.
That is the true reason why women are so temperamental. It has absolutely nothing to do with PMS. Women are truly unhappy because they are starving themselves and abstaining from that great goodness known as food, more specifically carbs. They take this frustration out on everything. Not even inanimate objects are safe. New Years is the birthplace of hatred. imagine how the world would be if there was no New Years, think of all the relationships that would have been saved and the devastatingly delicious pastries that would have been eaten.
However, not only do New Year resolutions absolutely obliterate all happiness, but they rarely work. They provide too much unrealistic hope. Lets face it, some people were not meant to look like Angelina Jolie in the movie, Salt.
Unfortunately that is when Reality steps in. She can be such a big B!%@&. All participants in New Years should expect some backhand action from her well manicured hands.

(if the act of being backhanded by reality wasn't a metaphorical action, but a literal one, it would look something like this)
Too late does the unassuming New Years partier realize the true effects of New Year related alcohol assumption. that realization goes a little something like this....
as you can see, this trend is, overall, undesirable. Vomit is never attractive. Its presence will make you lose the low self esteem girls you scored earlier in the evening. I bet you really hate yourself now. You are womanless, you smell weird, and.... you are back to your meaningless existence in square one. You also have no more alcohol. It's like playing Pacman and running out of lives. there is no way to remedy the situation~ just give up the quest for the cherry, succumb to the ghosts and die.

the pattern for the pathetic woman's New Year deterioration is extremely similar to the shift in emotions regarding alcohol. However, the result of the sad endeavor known as resolution writing ultimately leads to numerous negative aspects and in the end, you have far more problems than you initially began with. take for instance: dieting. you said you could do it, but you didn't. you failed. you are are a failure. you obviously have no sense of accomplishment. you are a motivationless wreck.... you only had to lay off of the snickers, but you couldn't do are a disgrace to the human race. In addition, you increase your sugar consumption because you feel so terrible at not being able to follow through, as a result, you've gained quite a bit of weight. you now look like a hippopotamus having a fat day, and it is definitely worse than a beached whale. no one will love you because you don't look like Angelina Jolie, you look like 5 of her... in one. you now have depression. you no longer set goals for yourself because you know you won't be able to achieve them. all you had to do was eat your salad. if you were feeling a little rebellious, you could have tossed a few croutons in the salad, maybe added some ranch if you desperately needed it. However, it's the third week in January. you have already failed and come to a whole new awareness for your self-loathing. Essentially, you only participate in New Years if you enjoy pain and suffering on your own behalf.

...and that is why New Years is for people who hate themselves.