Tuesday, March 15, 2011

the scourge of the washing machine.

Before I begin this story, I should give you some background. This is how the world really is.

How oft I do listen to thee!
Thine streamlined edges leave me in awe~
and when mine teacher speaketh incessantly,
thou givest me heavenly lyrics~
from Taylor Swift to viking death metal.
Thou art the perfect significant other,
for thine exterior is both stylish and optimal,
for thou art not cumbersome, like unto in-laws or chores. or heavy laptops.

I feel that this excerpt is sufficient in demonstrating the over abundant love that the human race has for this small device that captures audio and plays it at the touch of a button. The ipod. A modern interpretation of the god of music.

Sometimes, tragedy strikes our beloved electronic pet. Today's tragedy has come in the form of a washing machine. Most people are of the opinion that washing machines are blessings. well..... they are not. Washers are the electric powered washing device in the form of SATAN. They are so vile they might even be the spawn of Satan.

Don't believe me? think about the clothes you wash. Have your clothes ever looked happy to be in the washer? No, of course not~ that is utterly absurd. They are soaking wet and pathetic looking, not to mention that they fade a little with every wash. Think of how traumatic that must be. The washing machine in and of itself looked like a stoic gapping mouth. If I was a little cotton T-shirt, I would be utterly terrified.
Finally, the EVIL washing machine shows forth its true colors when it claims your beloved ipod as a victim. As you rescue your clothes from its vile grip, you notice your sweet darling ipod in the bottom of the mouth, and your heart sinks. Gone. GONE. 10,000 SONGS ARE GONE. your ipod looks at you with that guilt-inducing look, the one that plainly speaks "why did you not check your pockets??"
You want to blame everyone. You blame the pants. EFF YOU PANTS. you deceitful little tramp. I hope you are really proud of yourself for killing Ipod.
Then you realize that Ipod and his little headphone friends were all together in the washing machine. That brings the total casualties to 3. Ipod and the left earphone are dead, while the right earphone can only make sad, sad sounds. The right earphone is in critical condition and will probably shortly follow the same fate.

How do you feel about the vile washing machine now? I told you it was heartless. How many electronic devices has it claimed? my beloved pets are all dead. My theory? the washer is jealous because it is the fat cow of the electronic/machine world, so it destroys all that is wholesome and good.

Now what do you do? how do you keep on living without your dearest companion? the one that was closest to you? and I really do mean closest~ Ipod was always in your left buttcheck pocket. You enter grieving and enter a sting of meaningless relationships with other music portals. scratchy radio, out-dated CD players,... and your giant laptop that weighs as much as your football player cousin who is a descendant of Goliath after Thanksgiving.
Listening to your music has become joyless. You cannot dance with a lap top. The weight of it throws your equilibrium off balance and you become clumsy and you cannot do your awesome arm gestures if your arms are being encumbered about with laptops and chords and Ethernet cables (which are really just corporate tapeworms).

music listening has become.... drudgery.
Because you have to carry around your lap top while you sing and dance, you develop scoliosis and a hunchback. You also no longer have free hand movement for things like hygiene. Hygiene includes things like brushing teeth and combing your hair for all of you who may still think of hygiene as a foreign concept. Because you are so busy holding your laptop, you lose all your teeth save one snaggle tooth and your hair becomes skimpy. The music begins to feed off of your negativity and eventually, the music notes themselves mutate into carnivorous entities. They devour you, and you die.
this calamity could have been avoided if you checked your pockets before washing your jeans and used my washboard abs to wash clothing instead of the vile washing machine