Sunday, February 20, 2011

In commemoration of Single's Awareness Day

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone, yet you prefer to refer to this holiday as S.A.D~ the dreaded "Single's Awareness Day." Welp... you are an idiot if it took you all year to realize you were single.

You should have realized it on a Friday night when you sat at home playing x-box by yourself, or perhaps when you saw this kid crash his bike into a skateboarder and as you pulled out your phone to tell someone, you realized you didn't really have anyone who was obligated to think that your story was funny, or interesting for that matter. You also should have realized you were single when you went to the theaters to watch a romantic comedy and in a particularly moving scene reached out to grasp a certain someone's hand, and only felt the empty air; or perhaps when you were walking at the park, and you saw a couple very much in love walking around hand in hand being jovial, while you strode sullenly with your hands in your pockets. If you didn't realize you were single in any of these moments, you deserve to be single.

Nonetheless, I have taken pity on your plight of patheticness. I am going to give you the Kylie Fool-Proof Guide on how to avoid a "SAD" February 14th.

STEP 1.) you obviously begin by selecting a person to be your valentine. DO NOT MAKE THIS SELECTION IN THE DARK. the reason behind this logic? everyone looks better in the dark. ensure that you are in a well-lit room when you make your selection to maximize Valentine attractiveness to full capacity.

the following pictures present a scenario of a dimly lit room and the quality of people in it.

once in the light you become aware of the fact that your Valentine is grotesque and misshapen. This situation could have been avoided if you had been in a light area to begin with. Now, you must suffer with your cross eyed cow or gangly nerd for the duration of Valentines day and awkwardly bestow gifts upon these genetically inferior beings.
STEP 2.) Now that we have learned lesson one, we can progress to step two. Once you have made a valentine selection in broad daylight, you must let your Valentine know that he/she is in fact YOUR valentine and the object of your latest infatuation. A simple way to communicate this knowledge of possession is by bequeathing a heartfelt(or idiotically punny Valentine jingle) saying on a card. Puppies, kitties, bears, bunnies and all other fluffy creatures are appropriate depictions on cards due to the fact that we(humans) are hardwired to respond positively to neonatal features. This means that the card with a giant fluffy animal on it that you give your valentine will induce instant fondness because the disproportionately large eyes and other helpless features induce the desire to care and nurture, particularly in women. StarWars, bugs, and other boyish oddities are probably more appropriate on men's cards.
STEP 3.) You probably have only picked out your valentine card at this point, and then chickened out on actually giving it to your Valentine. That is OKAY. Valentine's Day is all about super creepy secret admirers, and love letters. This is the only day when it is socially acceptable to write a letter pouring out your heart and soul in professing your love to someone who hardly knows you. In addition, mailboxes are accepted forms of love letter transport. I know you are all awkward, so this is perfect. no face to face contact? win.
Sometimes, when you think of your beloved, you may experience the same paralyzing fear as Harry Potter when faced with a dementor... you may even pass out. However, you should find solace in knowing that your valentine cannot suck out your soul like a Dementor and leave you as just a soul-less husk. Your valentine may feast upon your insecurities like a dementor however.... and in that situation it is probably acceptable to pass out.

Sometimes, the undesirables (that would be the unattractive people we saw earlier in this post) are referred to as Dementors, because they are ugly, and wretched, and other negative adjectives. Unfortunately, the expecto patronum spell does not work on them and will not ward them off. Social experiments are still being preformed to find out what does work. Studies have shown that if you are a woman, not shaving your legs works. If you are a man, snoring and bad smelling feet also work. however, these antics also ward off those whom you ARE attracted to.
STEP 4.) In order to keep your Valentine's interest, you have to abide by social norms of conduct. Ladies, this means doing hair and makeup and applying deodorant.
Men? this means you have to bathe. and use soap. use gratuitous amounts of soap. If you do not use soap, no one will love you, and because no one will love you, you will never have children, and because you will never have children, your name will be forgotten. forever. does that sound lovely? no, no it doesn't. USE THE SOAP.

if you follow my dating counsel, you could literally see love on Valentines day. Love is the embodiment of all things heart related, unicorns, flowers, and rainbows. Follow the aforementioned steps and you will receive reciprocation.
and not rejection.
like Jill.

Better luck next year, and happy hunting.